i finally saw through XX. i have been thinking alot and i realised how silly and naive i am towards him i should have known all along that it wasnt possible he should be contented with what he have and i shouldnt barge in like that i dun hate him but i just cant stand what he is doing i was too naive to believe everything he says cos in the end it's the same it's her(his ger) for always. i am only a substitute when she isnt around. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ back to HIM. He's actually my Mr A i think it silly for me to continue hoping for the best though i know now that he likes someone and i know it aint me but why am i still holding on? i cant let go. it has been 3 1/2 years and i still in the same square 1 turning ALONE i hate this feeling i wanna move on but i cant who can help me? i want him to be happy but i know that might mean that i'll be depressed Maybe we could only be best friends. SOmeone ask me what do i expect or want for waiting and hanging on for so long i really dunno. i know he would never be mine but why am i still waiting still? i did a very embarrassing thing that night and i sort of regret it cos i got myself so upset over it i hate myself why am i so stuck in this? i thought of another option. and that is to scare him away.. but would that mean that i might lose a friend? a friend that can cheer me up anytime and a friend whose smile i can never forget i hate myself for all the mess in my life. if only i could turn back time turn back till i had my grandmother with me cos then i always had someone protecting over me i dun wan to grow up anymore maybe my dad is right i should stay single forever i dun mind being my daddy's ger forever i only wanna stay by his side i should be happy den. why did god have to take away ppl that i love? my grandmother why did she have to leave when i was so young why couldn't she take me along why couldnt god let us say a proper goodbye i miss her alot though i never say it out she is the best she looked after me since i was young she was always there for me through my ups and downs i cried everyday when she left i was very sad to the point that i told my parents i wanna join her i wan to be with her forever i dun wan to live life without her i cried till i couldnt breathe but i realised that couldnt bring her back no matter how hard i cry how much tears i shed she's gone forever she's always in my heart just that not many could see and that place in my heart is always for her no one else can replace her in my heart It has been 9 years and i still miss her alot i never let anyone know abt this not even my parents when ppl talk abt her my heart ache she was the best grandmother in the world she was always making sure i look my best when i was young she would always doll me up everynight she would make sure i was asleep before she sleep i have been sleeping with her since my brother was born until until when she left i was lost i walked around like an empty shell tears would roll down without me knowing i hated myself for creating such a big fuss when i thought that she appeared in my room that time it was shocking but i really miss her i really hope i could have a chance to hug her and lie in her arms again i miss the breakfast that i always have with her i really miss her alot cos without her my life is in a mess.
OT on friday... until 11.45PM! took cab home was super tired can i reach home really collapse lahx.. saturday was a tiring day went WORK at the usual time but can take cab den drop mabel off den i went pennisula plaza first to enrol for the japanese class for myself and long ge. den i walked from pennisula plaza to merchant square. and on the way at funan i met a scary old man.. he's crazy..siao..y would i want to be friends with old uncle.. dots.. lol reached office i was like perspiring non stop lahx.. den ate breakfast that my god aunt bought for me and continue with what i left off on fri and i realised that the mystery i was trying to solve was unsovled my god aunt say maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me cos i was too tired. haha~~ anyway, finish the updating of the korea ba salaries and den went to buy lunch bought lunch from downstairs the coffeshop haah~~ did alot of work and helping everyone and hoping that we could finish early and go off haha~~ i went off at 6 cos there's nothing more that i can really help them with took cab to go to pasir ris park slept on the cab and the cab uncle damn rude lahs he shouted. eh u never tell me kovan where u still dare to slp ah (in chinese) i damn pissed lahx u haven even reach serangoon u scare wad when i not scare siao one irritating asshole! reached pasir ris park i was damn shagged den went for the bbq talked and everything after eating we played cards with abo's brother damn funny he was very funny.. anyway had fun until the sleeping monster starts to haunt me again. haha~~ took some pics and then went off at 12.30am daddy came fetch me cos it was on the way..haha sunday went nicholas house to swim and tan the sun was perfect love the sun sia.. haha swam for a while den decide to tan haha.. tan until i sleep for quite long until my brother cant stand it he keep disturbing me haha~~ went kovan after that and saw my cousin eugene so cute..haha..played with him and bought chocolate for him to eat.. he's so cute.. haha~~went home super tired monday work in the morning and then went to school in the afternoon haha~~ the lecturer is... everyone is pissed off with our course coordinators.. haha~~ we went to eat at break and then we sat outside to chat until lesson ended. haha~~ went home and wanted to watch Ci Qing dvd but in the end lie on the bed and i fell asleep how interesting! guess i have been very tired lately. now working again leaving office in another half an hr going for lessons again. hope we can pay attention though nt very possible going to meet the 304 darlings haha~~ will meet my laogong at 6 while meeting the rest at 7.. haah~~going window shopping with my laogong our usual budget shopping~~ haha~~ i have a laogong but i am not attached ok? but my laogong is attached..haha it sounds complicated? go figure it out! haha~~ filing and archiving sucks cos i always get rewarded with loads of paper cuts. urgh~
