i finally saw through XX. i have been thinking alot and i realised how silly and naive i am towards him i should have known all along that it wasnt possible he should be contented with what he have and i shouldnt barge in like that i dun hate him but i just cant stand what he is doing i was too naive to believe everything he says cos in the end it's the same it's her(his ger) for always. i am only a substitute when she isnt around. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ back to HIM. He's actually my Mr A i think it silly for me to continue hoping for the best though i know now that he likes someone and i know it aint me but why am i still holding on? i cant let go. it has been 3 1/2 years and i still in the same square 1 turning ALONE i hate this feeling i wanna move on but i cant who can help me? i want him to be happy but i know that might mean that i'll be depressed Maybe we could only be best friends. SOmeone ask me what do i expect or want for waiting and hanging on for so long i really dunno. i know he would never be mine but why am i still waiting still? i did a very embarrassing thing that night and i sort of regret it cos i got myself so upset over it i hate myself why am i so stuck in this? i thought of another option. and that is to scare him away.. but would that mean that i might lose a friend? a friend that can cheer me up anytime and a friend whose smile i can never forget i hate myself for all the mess in my life. if only i could turn back time turn back till i had my grandmother with me cos then i always had someone protecting over me i dun wan to grow up anymore maybe my dad is right i should stay single forever i dun mind being my daddy's ger forever i only wanna stay by his side i should be happy den. why did god have to take away ppl that i love? my grandmother why did she have to leave when i was so young why couldn't she take me along why couldnt god let us say a proper goodbye i miss her alot though i never say it out she is the best she looked after me since i was young she was always there for me through my ups and downs i cried everyday when she left i was very sad to the point that i told my parents i wanna join her i wan to be with her forever i dun wan to live life without her i cried till i couldnt breathe but i realised that couldnt bring her back no matter how hard i cry how much tears i shed she's gone forever she's always in my heart just that not many could see and that place in my heart is always for her no one else can replace her in my heart It has been 9 years and i still miss her alot i never let anyone know abt this not even my parents when ppl talk abt her my heart ache she was the best grandmother in the world she was always making sure i look my best when i was young she would always doll me up everynight she would make sure i was asleep before she sleep i have been sleeping with her since my brother was born until until when she left i was lost i walked around like an empty shell tears would roll down without me knowing i hated myself for creating such a big fuss when i thought that she appeared in my room that time it was shocking but i really miss her i really hope i could have a chance to hug her and lie in her arms again i miss the breakfast that i always have with her i really miss her alot cos without her my life is in a mess.
